I have zero motivation to update this thing, but I have decided that it will be good for me to get back in the swing of writing..writing anything. So since I have only one reader, and I love her, I have decided to write like I'm updating Becky, personally. And I'm hoping that she will do the same.
This staying home with two kids? Kicking my ASS. Was I stupid, thinking having 1 measly 3 year old was hard? The baby is crawling now, and climbing on everything, and has decided that his very favorite activity is opening drawers, pulling up on his knees, then falling forward and closing the drawer on his fingers. Good times, my friend. He is cute as hell, though, luckily, and I look at him and can just see the big-bellied frat boy that lives inside him. He is completely and utterly smitten with his big brother, and laughs a big old frat boy belly laugh when his brother deigns to make faces at him. And the Boy - well, he's still embroiled in his love/hate relationship with his baby brother.
But. But! In less than a week I will be leaving for Aspen, sans children, for the wedding of a dear friend. 5 days without my kids - I get a little knot in my stomach just thinking about it. They will be with my parents, so no worries there, but it's the longest I've ever been away from them. I need it, though. We need it. We are in that stage where it's all kids, all the time, and no sleep, and winter cabin fever, and long hours at work. No time for us at all, really. And me, I'm a fiery mess. My hair has suddenly turned to straw, refuses to hold its curl evenly, which nicely accentuates the two inch crackwhore roots. I have two big old zits on my face, dark circles, and we will not even discuss the flesh OOZING over the top of the push up bra I tried to buy today to hike these tired puppies up for the wedding. So, it's going to be blissful, unbroken sleep, a day at a spa, naps, yoga and a couple of books, amidst the wedding revelry. SO NEED THIS. Kids will be fine. Right? Right.
Ok, I do have more to say but I'm wiped. Better than nothing. x
Friday, January 23, 2009
Friday, December 19, 2008
well, this is a crappy end to my year
So there's alot going on right now, and I've decided that maybe getting back to this will be therapuetic. (did I spell that right? too tired to check)
I also have a lot to be thankful for. My boys are great, they are healthy and happy and sleeping through the night. We have thankfully been spared much damage in this crashing economy, and I can provide for my children and give to those less fortunate and we're going to buy a house. My husband is fine, although annoying the shit out of me today.
But my uncle, my mom's eldest brother and my Godfather, was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I have not yet wrapped my mind around this, am willfully remaining swaddled in denial, although I speak to him about it freely. He didn't tell my grandmother, because she is 92 and failing and he didn't want her to know if she didn't have to. And now my grandmother, my beloved and cranky old Nana, is shutting down.
This I have wrapped my mind around. I am sad, and I'm not yet giving in to the sadness, although tomorrow when I go there I'm sure to lose my shit. It's so rare these days, and a blessing, for me to know anyone who dies of old age. Who just wears out. No disease, no grueling treatments. My grandfather, her husband, died similarly, and once hospice told us it was imminent we began a bedside vigil, without ever speaking about it. The gift they gave us, my grandparents, the appreciation of family, the unspoken rule that you circle the wagons when things are bad. And it will be grueling, and emotionally draining, and it will also be beautiful and warm and closed and just as it should be, instead of in a hospital, surrounded by industrial smells and strangers and the lights that never really go off. I am not ready, I am not prepared to explain to my son what happened to Nan, his Nan that he proudly helps walk with her cane, clutching her hand in his own. I am not ready to tell her I love her for the last time, and that she's given us the greatest gift, and that she'll live on in all of us.
Hospice told us once she gets into bed she'll never get out. A couple of days, a week at most. So I guess it doesn't matter if I'm ready or not.
I also have a lot to be thankful for. My boys are great, they are healthy and happy and sleeping through the night. We have thankfully been spared much damage in this crashing economy, and I can provide for my children and give to those less fortunate and we're going to buy a house. My husband is fine, although annoying the shit out of me today.
But my uncle, my mom's eldest brother and my Godfather, was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I have not yet wrapped my mind around this, am willfully remaining swaddled in denial, although I speak to him about it freely. He didn't tell my grandmother, because she is 92 and failing and he didn't want her to know if she didn't have to. And now my grandmother, my beloved and cranky old Nana, is shutting down.
This I have wrapped my mind around. I am sad, and I'm not yet giving in to the sadness, although tomorrow when I go there I'm sure to lose my shit. It's so rare these days, and a blessing, for me to know anyone who dies of old age. Who just wears out. No disease, no grueling treatments. My grandfather, her husband, died similarly, and once hospice told us it was imminent we began a bedside vigil, without ever speaking about it. The gift they gave us, my grandparents, the appreciation of family, the unspoken rule that you circle the wagons when things are bad. And it will be grueling, and emotionally draining, and it will also be beautiful and warm and closed and just as it should be, instead of in a hospital, surrounded by industrial smells and strangers and the lights that never really go off. I am not ready, I am not prepared to explain to my son what happened to Nan, his Nan that he proudly helps walk with her cane, clutching her hand in his own. I am not ready to tell her I love her for the last time, and that she's given us the greatest gift, and that she'll live on in all of us.
Hospice told us once she gets into bed she'll never get out. A couple of days, a week at most. So I guess it doesn't matter if I'm ready or not.
Friday, October 24, 2008
the Baby
I at the very least need to document some of what is going on. The baby is almost 8 months old, and this time is just flying by.
He is huge - 29" and 20lbs, and is just starting to grow some peach fuzz. He was like a suspicious, bald old man until last week.
He has 4 teeth already, and he grinds them. aaugh.
He is happily sitting up to play for much of the day, and if something is out of his reach he hurls his whole body forward to get on his belly, sometimes faceplanting right into the carpet with his pacifier in his mouth. Ouch.
He is obsessed with drinking water from a glass. He will spy my water glass sitting on the table, and start wriggling his whole chubby little body, opening and closing his hands and grunting. When I hold it up to his mouth, he drinks it pretty well (except for the teeth clanking) and holds it with both hands.
He eats everything you put in front of him, and has started eating those little dissolvable puffs - tonight he figured out how to get it to his mouth himself.
He thinks the sun rises and sets on his big brother, who alternately plays lovingly with him and smacks him around. As soon as he sees the Boy his whole face lights up, and he grins with his two top jack o lantern teeth.
He is huge - 29" and 20lbs, and is just starting to grow some peach fuzz. He was like a suspicious, bald old man until last week.
He has 4 teeth already, and he grinds them. aaugh.
He is happily sitting up to play for much of the day, and if something is out of his reach he hurls his whole body forward to get on his belly, sometimes faceplanting right into the carpet with his pacifier in his mouth. Ouch.
He is obsessed with drinking water from a glass. He will spy my water glass sitting on the table, and start wriggling his whole chubby little body, opening and closing his hands and grunting. When I hold it up to his mouth, he drinks it pretty well (except for the teeth clanking) and holds it with both hands.
He eats everything you put in front of him, and has started eating those little dissolvable puffs - tonight he figured out how to get it to his mouth himself.
He thinks the sun rises and sets on his big brother, who alternately plays lovingly with him and smacks him around. As soon as he sees the Boy his whole face lights up, and he grins with his two top jack o lantern teeth.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
the burbs
So now it's fall, and the Boy is in preschool for three hours a day every afternoon. Last year this meant three free hours. This year it means walk him to school with the Baby, take the Baby home for his nap while I make or prep dinner, then have a little Mama time alone until it's time to pick up the Boy. I'm a damn 1950s housewife.
But we're into a routine, and we're home alot more, and making fewer plans, which results in a lot more time for the three of us. And I'm starting to feel a little penned in in this apartment. That second boy is making me long for some more space, a kitchen where I can have them play while I cook, a yard they can go run out in while I sit out there bleakly, trying to wake up with that first coffee.
Scary. My husband, of course, does not want to leave the city. There are a lot of cons for him, I admit. The commute, for one. As it is, he maybe sees the boys for half an hour in the morning, and sometimes half an hour at night. But for the Boys first day of preschool he came home and we all walked him to school as a family, and P worked from home for the rest of the day. He won't get to do any of that, and now that we are successfully nap free, he will not see them at all during the day during the week. Sucky deal for everyone.
And I am the one with the suburbs issues. I spent some very unhappy years there as an adult, and my life didn't truly change until I came back to the city. But I am starting to feel the pull, and I still do think it's best for the kids.
Though maybe not for me.
But we're into a routine, and we're home alot more, and making fewer plans, which results in a lot more time for the three of us. And I'm starting to feel a little penned in in this apartment. That second boy is making me long for some more space, a kitchen where I can have them play while I cook, a yard they can go run out in while I sit out there bleakly, trying to wake up with that first coffee.
Scary. My husband, of course, does not want to leave the city. There are a lot of cons for him, I admit. The commute, for one. As it is, he maybe sees the boys for half an hour in the morning, and sometimes half an hour at night. But for the Boys first day of preschool he came home and we all walked him to school as a family, and P worked from home for the rest of the day. He won't get to do any of that, and now that we are successfully nap free, he will not see them at all during the day during the week. Sucky deal for everyone.
And I am the one with the suburbs issues. I spent some very unhappy years there as an adult, and my life didn't truly change until I came back to the city. But I am starting to feel the pull, and I still do think it's best for the kids.
Though maybe not for me.
Friday, September 5, 2008
end of summer
So it's been a truly fabulous summer, and this was our last free week before the Boy starts preschool. I am a little bit in denial about this,because he's going five days a week. Only for three hours a day, but still. This means now, RIGHT NOW, he's going to start leaving me five days a week for the rest of his childhood. *sniff* Although the Baby will be happy, because that means three whole hours of uninterrupted mommy time and no one trying to shake his bouncy seat or yell in his face or kneel on him.
But Mama? This was the first week I've had alone with both kids since the Baby was two months old - my temporary three month babysitter ended up staying until Labor Day, and man, it was bliss. She came early in the morning, and I could make the beds and shower and clean up, then take the Boy out for some mama time (not so easy to go on our beloved NYC excursions with a three year old and an infant.) Then we'd all go to the playground, and the babysitter did the kids laundry, and maaaaaaaannnn, I miss that woman. Not that I'm complaining - I would never have imagined that I'd have that luxury.
The good news is that the Boy dropped his nap,. which has turned out to be fabulous - we're out all day and then home by late afternoon and I'm finding it much easier to keep on top of things. Home at 4, start dinner while kids are still happy, baths before dinner, dinner by 6, Baby asleep at 7, Boy in bed reading books by 7:05. So I've had evenings to get shit done. And I must say, having a second child has definitely increased my housework tenfold. Not sure why that should be, but it is. And while I love staying home with my kids, the whole housewife thing is not really my strong suit. But I'm working on it. Luckily, I set the bar very low from day one with my man, so he considers any sort of dinner a bonus.
And now that I have some evenings to myself, maybe I'll write some more. These days are going by fast, so fast, and I'm going to be sad to see them go.
And while I'm talking about chronicling:
The Baby is now 6 months, with a Buddha belly and fat little leg rolls and a bald round head. He has his two bottom teeth, his two top are just breaking through, and he eats anything you put in front of him, although his current favorite is a whole skinned plum. He wakes up happy and gurgling, and when he sees me over the top of his crib his whole face breaks into a huge smile and he kicks his legs like crazy. I could eat him up. And he sleeps 11 hours a night, too.
And the Boy. The boy is getting so big so fast, the big round eyes and cheeks thinned out into the face of a boy. I look at pictures of him at 9 months, at 1 year, and I can't believe how he's grown. He's an awesome kid, although he never, never stops talking, never stops asking why. He loves music, is currently obsessed with a rather annoying bluegrass CD of his dads, and he listens to the entire thing no less than three times a day, playing his guitar,shaking his head, and singing along. He loves his scooter, and chicken stew from the restaurant on the corner, and playing car wash. And he is thoroughly a city kid. About to go to preschool, five days a week.
But Mama? This was the first week I've had alone with both kids since the Baby was two months old - my temporary three month babysitter ended up staying until Labor Day, and man, it was bliss. She came early in the morning, and I could make the beds and shower and clean up, then take the Boy out for some mama time (not so easy to go on our beloved NYC excursions with a three year old and an infant.) Then we'd all go to the playground, and the babysitter did the kids laundry, and maaaaaaaannnn, I miss that woman. Not that I'm complaining - I would never have imagined that I'd have that luxury.
The good news is that the Boy dropped his nap,. which has turned out to be fabulous - we're out all day and then home by late afternoon and I'm finding it much easier to keep on top of things. Home at 4, start dinner while kids are still happy, baths before dinner, dinner by 6, Baby asleep at 7, Boy in bed reading books by 7:05. So I've had evenings to get shit done. And I must say, having a second child has definitely increased my housework tenfold. Not sure why that should be, but it is. And while I love staying home with my kids, the whole housewife thing is not really my strong suit. But I'm working on it. Luckily, I set the bar very low from day one with my man, so he considers any sort of dinner a bonus.
And now that I have some evenings to myself, maybe I'll write some more. These days are going by fast, so fast, and I'm going to be sad to see them go.
And while I'm talking about chronicling:
The Baby is now 6 months, with a Buddha belly and fat little leg rolls and a bald round head. He has his two bottom teeth, his two top are just breaking through, and he eats anything you put in front of him, although his current favorite is a whole skinned plum. He wakes up happy and gurgling, and when he sees me over the top of his crib his whole face breaks into a huge smile and he kicks his legs like crazy. I could eat him up. And he sleeps 11 hours a night, too.
And the Boy. The boy is getting so big so fast, the big round eyes and cheeks thinned out into the face of a boy. I look at pictures of him at 9 months, at 1 year, and I can't believe how he's grown. He's an awesome kid, although he never, never stops talking, never stops asking why. He loves music, is currently obsessed with a rather annoying bluegrass CD of his dads, and he listens to the entire thing no less than three times a day, playing his guitar,shaking his head, and singing along. He loves his scooter, and chicken stew from the restaurant on the corner, and playing car wash. And he is thoroughly a city kid. About to go to preschool, five days a week.
Friday, August 22, 2008
well, hey....
June, was the last time I was on this thing. Sad, really, and I should just give it up completely but what the hell.
I was inspired to write tonight because on my way home from my big night out (coffee and CVS shopping - coffee to go, mind you) I stopped in front of my building to answer my phone and there was a NAKED GUY in his kitchen on the first floor. With no curtains. A young guy, too. Maybe I'll start running all my errands at 9pm.
And in other news, we moved the boys in together into our room, and we took the Boys old room, which is smaller and has no attached bathroom. Why yes, we did give up the master suite (such as it was) for the kids. But that's where the bathtub is anyway, we shower in the stall in the 2nd bathroom, and I cannot live for one more minute with all these toys in the living room. Bad enough I've had to push all the furniture back against the walls (mind you, we have one big room for living and eating) but the giant easel in front of my bookshelf is pushing me over the edge.
And I must say, I have been having a fabulous summer, one I don't think I have been nearly grateful enough for. Two weeks on Cape Cod with the family, and then another week in the Hamptons with my dear, dear friend who has been unfortunately relocated to Europe, taking with her the only mom-stage friend I could call at 5 and say, "These kids are driving me nuts, bring yours over and we'll feed them together" Which really kind of sucks for me, but it was great to see her, even though the week was all work and not the least little bit relaxing. The beaches were beautiful, and we got to hang out, even if it was sometimes at 3am with crying children around rather than at 3am with a glass of wine at an outdoor cafe. So all good.
The Boy had a great time at the Cape. He played miniature golf for the first time, learned to play ping pong, collected rocks, and spent every possible second in the water with Daddy. One day, when he condescended to go to the waters edge with me ("But Mama, you don't take me out reeeeally far and jump the big waves" - Reeeeealy far means knee deep, btw), he looked at me and said, "This is a great vacation."
And the Baby is a big ole bruiser - big boy, with his fathers dark skin and a fuzzy little halo of blond hair, and teeth! Two teeth, first at four months old.
So I'm tired, and I think these last 5 months have aged me, oh, 10 or 15 years, but I feel so lucky to have it. And now I have a naked guy in my building.
I was inspired to write tonight because on my way home from my big night out (coffee and CVS shopping - coffee to go, mind you) I stopped in front of my building to answer my phone and there was a NAKED GUY in his kitchen on the first floor. With no curtains. A young guy, too. Maybe I'll start running all my errands at 9pm.
And in other news, we moved the boys in together into our room, and we took the Boys old room, which is smaller and has no attached bathroom. Why yes, we did give up the master suite (such as it was) for the kids. But that's where the bathtub is anyway, we shower in the stall in the 2nd bathroom, and I cannot live for one more minute with all these toys in the living room. Bad enough I've had to push all the furniture back against the walls (mind you, we have one big room for living and eating) but the giant easel in front of my bookshelf is pushing me over the edge.
And I must say, I have been having a fabulous summer, one I don't think I have been nearly grateful enough for. Two weeks on Cape Cod with the family, and then another week in the Hamptons with my dear, dear friend who has been unfortunately relocated to Europe, taking with her the only mom-stage friend I could call at 5 and say, "These kids are driving me nuts, bring yours over and we'll feed them together" Which really kind of sucks for me, but it was great to see her, even though the week was all work and not the least little bit relaxing. The beaches were beautiful, and we got to hang out, even if it was sometimes at 3am with crying children around rather than at 3am with a glass of wine at an outdoor cafe. So all good.
The Boy had a great time at the Cape. He played miniature golf for the first time, learned to play ping pong, collected rocks, and spent every possible second in the water with Daddy. One day, when he condescended to go to the waters edge with me ("But Mama, you don't take me out reeeeally far and jump the big waves" - Reeeeealy far means knee deep, btw), he looked at me and said, "This is a great vacation."
And the Baby is a big ole bruiser - big boy, with his fathers dark skin and a fuzzy little halo of blond hair, and teeth! Two teeth, first at four months old.
So I'm tired, and I think these last 5 months have aged me, oh, 10 or 15 years, but I feel so lucky to have it. And now I have a naked guy in my building.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
wait, where am I?
I cannot believe I have abandoned yet another journal. No way to catch up on this one, either, what with having the baby and all, so I'll just have to start again. And tonight, just wanted to note that I should be SLEEPING, not drinking tea and blogging, not answering emails from long lost friends and exes, not sorting through the mail. Sleeping, while I can. But man, my husband is away on business, the boys are asleep, and this is the only time I get any quiet to myself. Ok, going now.
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